I ordered the worst coffee in the world.
I hadn’t been to Dunkin Donuts in quite some time – I was taking a caffeine sabbatical, and we all know how long those last…
Anyway, I said to myself, “I’m going to get one of those frozen coffee frapes. Yum.”
Starbucks has these and they’re called “Frappuccinos.”
I’ve ordered these from Dunkin Donuts before, but I mostly only get hot coffee and donuts. But I remembered their “Frappuccino” version being delicious and that’s what I wanted.
I drove up to the window and placed my order.
“I’ll have a large caramel Dunkaccino, please.”
“A what?” Came the snarky voice through the speaker box.
I held my breath. I’m always two seconds from strangling the fast-food workers. I swear, the only thing they’re good at is getting my order wrong. I can’t wait until the robots replace them.
“A Dunkaccino,” I said calmly and with companion. “With caramel. Large.”
I paused. Silence.
“Do we have that?” She said, speaking to a manager. “Ok, yep. Dunkaccino. $2.03 at the window.”
Geez. It’s like pulling teeth with these people.
I pulled around and waited far too long.
She finally popped her head out of the window and handed me my drink.
“Dunkaccino,” she said. “Enjoy.”
She gave me a large hot coffee. That’s not what I ordered. The Dunkaccino is a blended ice drink.
“What’s this?” I asked. “I wanted a Dunkaccino. It’s a cold drink.”
“No, it’s hot,” she said with a smirk. “And you’re the first one to order it this year.” Her smile told of something sinister at play.
What the heck? I ripped the drink out of her hand and sped off like a maniac.
I don’t like arguing with people. If I disagree with how they treated me, I won’t shop there anymore. I vote with my pocketbook – and soon you will go out of business.
This DD was in trouble. They were on my “out of business” hit list.
But what in the world had I ordered?
I sipped the drink and it tasted like warm sugary urine. Gross. Not what I had in mind.
I couldn’t drink it.
I returned to work, furious, with my mystery drink in hand.
I plopped down at my desk and fired up the DD website. In the ancient bowels of their menu, I located the culprit.
A Dunkaccino, it explained, was a cappuccino. To make matters worse, it wasn’t even a real cappuccino, it was the essence of a cappuccino, flavored with cappuccino flavoring.
Basically, it was the hot cocoa equivalent of a cappuccino, and tasted even worse. It was like literally a packet of imitation cappuccino dumped in hot water. Gross.
Not to mention it’s a registered trademark. They’ve gone out of their way to protect this “intellectual” property. Why? I don’t think they’re in danger of anyone stealing this masterpiece.
I literally couldn’t drink it. It was the worst drink I’ve ever had.
I dumped it.
Come to find out, DD calls their frape drink a “Coffee Coolata.” Great.
Like that doesn’t confuse a million customers daily. The equivalent drink at Starbucks is a “Frappuccino” but at DD it’s a “Coolata”?
Yikes. That’s the worst marketing I’ve ever heard.
It’s like if McDonalds invented hamburgers, and then Burger King goes and calls theirs a “hot hammy bun-which.” But be careful if you order a hamburger at Burger King, because they’ll give you a ham sandwich.
What kind of illogical non-sense is that?
DD! Take that crap off your menu. You’re better than that.
(But I’ll still see you this afternoon for a “Coolata.” Because they’re delicious.)